A Beginner's Guide To Salad Page 8

  Wendy put a hand on my arm. ‘It happens, I’m afraid.’ She continued to talk but none of the words made it through to my brain. I’d behaved so well. I’d stuck to my points. I’d eaten seeds, for fuck’s sake. And it was the same!

  ‘You’re doing great, Ruth. Really you are.’

  Funny, I didn’t feel so great as I stepped off the scales at the exact same weight as I’d been a week ago. How had I lost weight after stuffing myself with calories but failed to lose anything while restricting myself? It didn’t make sense. Perhaps I should go over my points every week and see where that took me.

  I’d had a pretty rough day at work, with Kelvin being more rude and demanding than usual, piling my in-tray with crap until it was overflowing onto my desk and leaving it until quarter to five to let me know that there were urgent files that needed photocopying and distributing to various departments. To top it off, the bus hadn’t bothered to turn up and I’d been forced to wait in the rain for the next one, which was packed due to the backlog. But the day withered away as I sank into the sofa in my pyjamas and the theme tune to A Beginner’s Guide To You started up. The lives of Meg and Tom never failed to cheer me up and Billy and I were soon clutching our stomachs and wiping away tears at their antics.

  ‘Snack time,’ Billy announced as the adverts came on and my mouth watered as he disappeared into the kitchen. I’d behaved impeccably and was looking forward to rewarding myself with a couple of blocks of chocolate.

  ‘Fruit salad?’ I couldn’t help the disgust oozing from my voice, despite the effort Billy had gone to yet again. I craved chocolate. I needed chocolate. ‘Haven’t you got a massive bar of chocolate?’ I deserved it.

  ‘Is that wise? With your diet and everything?’

  I gave a wave of my hand, imagining it was swiping away the bowl of fruit. ‘I have enough points left to cover it.’ It was a lie – but only a little white one and it was worth it when Billy disappeared with the fruit and returned with a giant Galaxy Caramel.

  ‘You’re a star.’ I tore into the paper, my fingers working overtime. The glorious scent of creamy chocolate hit my nostrils immediately and the delirious feeling it generated was almost enough. Almost but not quite. Snapping the bar in half, I handed Billy his chunk as he settled himself back on the sofa. ‘This is nice, isn’t it? We haven’t hung out in ages.’

  ‘We watched A Beginner’s Guide together last week.’

  ‘Exactly.’ Billy and I used to hang out most nights but lately we’d been reduced to only our weekly Beginner’s ritual. Billy even prepared my meals in advance as he was too busy to cook after work and while I appreciated what he was doing for me, I would have liked to have had at least a brief daily conversation with him.

  ‘Sorry,’ Billy said because it was due to him that we no longer slobbed in front of the telly together night after night. Apart from my Weight Watchers meetings, I still slobbed in front of the telly most nights but had been forced to do so on my own since Billy was out most nights with Clare.

  ‘It’s ok. I sort of remember what being in a relationship is like. How is Clare?’ I popped a square of chocolate into my mouth and closed my eyes, savouring the sensation as it began to melt on my tongue. I’d missed chocolate almost as much as I’d missed Billy.

  ‘She’s great. Really great.’ Billy blushed and I giggled, nudging him in the ribs.

  ‘Is it luuurve?’

  ‘Sod off. And no it isn’t. We haven’t even, you know, yet.’ Billy’s face took on the appearance of an open fire, his blush seeping way beyond his face and neck, dipping into his T-shirt.

  ‘You haven’t had sex yet?’ I blew out my cheeks. ‘Blimey. What’s gone wrong?’ It had looked as though they were about to go at it when I caught them on the sofa and that was ages ago.

  ‘Nothing has gone wrong.’ Billy sat up straight and jutted out his chin. ‘There’s no rush. We’re getting to know each other properly.’

  ‘Speaking of getting to know each other, we should all go out for a drink.’ I didn’t really know Clare, having only met her briefly in passing since the groping on the sofa event. We’d never sat in the same room as one another, let alone had a proper conversation. ‘How about Friday?’

  ‘I can’t. We have plans for Friday.’

  I bit back a giggle. ‘Ooh, is Friday the night? Will you know each other well enough by then?’

  ‘Bog off.’ Billy threw a cushion at me and the conversation ended as A Beginner’s Guide came back on.

  Morticia eyed me from the low wall surrounding the church hall, raising her bushy eyebrows at me as I approached, as if gloating that she’d beat me. I think she liked being the first to arrive at the meetings and felt important as she set the chairs out in the hall. It was a bit sad really.

  ‘Hello.’ I still didn’t know her name as she preferred to be weighed last and so I never caught Wendy calling out her name as I was either caught up in my own celebrations or commiserations by then. ‘How do you think you’ve done this week?’

  Morticia’s eyebrows knitted together, creating a mega monobrow. They really did need a good plucking. ‘I’m at my ideal weight. I maintain my weight now, and don’t strive to lose any.’

  Oh. I see. ‘I hope I’ve lost a fair bit, to make up for last week.’ I’d stuck to my buffet experiment, going slightly over my points to see if I could replicate the results after gorging myself at Kelvin’s party.

  ‘Of course you want to lose a fair bit. Why else would you be here?’

  I gaped at Morticia. Did she have to be so rude? She’d been a fatty once upon a time so she should know how much it hurt to be sneered at. Not that Morticia was sneering exactly – sneering would require more facial movement than she could manage. Thankfully, Wendy’s car turned into the small car park before Morticia could start taunting me with Mr Blobby and Free Willy jibes.

  The meeting trickled past, Wendy’s talk seeming to go on for an eternity while I waited to see how much I’d lost that week. I was itching to step on the scales and see a lower number displayed, to show I was heading in the right direction.

  ‘Ruth, are you ready?’ Wendy popped her head around the partition and waved her hand for me to join her. I slipped behind the partition, took a deep breath and stepped onto the scales. I exhaled quickly once I saw the numbers, thinking that perhaps it was the extra oxygen filling my lungs that had inched my weight higher. The display didn’t flicker. I’d put on two pounds. Wendy was nice and comforting towards me, suggesting we go over my food diary to see if I could make any changes, but I knew that wouldn’t help. My food diary looked perfect. Because I’d lied to keep my points on track.

  I couldn’t win. If I stuck to the plan, I didn’t lose weight. If I deviated from the plan, I put on weight.

  ‘How did it go?’ Morticia cornered me as I grabbed my rose-printed jacket from the back of my chair. Having somehow endured the rest of the meeting I wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of that church hall. Chatting to Morticia was the last thing I wanted to do.

  ‘Not too bad.’ It could have been worse, right? Two pounds was very little in the grand scheme of things.

  ‘Did you put on?’ Morticia didn’t even attempt to sound sympathetic. Or lower her voice and I felt every eye turn to me.

  ‘No, I didn’t. I lost two pounds, ok?’ It was a great big fib, but so what? Morticia didn’t know that and I’d never have to see her again. As I left the hall, my head held as high as I could manage, I knew I wouldn’t be returning.

  ELEVEN

  Billy

  The night was going to be perfect. Billy had ensured the house would be empty, with Theo out on the pull and Ruth out with Erin, and he was going to cook Clare a romantic meal. Well, perhaps cook wasn’t the correct word. He was going to provide Clare with a romantic meal and pass it off as his own, so it was almost cooking. He could manage the basics and he’d been pushing his culinary abilities lately, but if he wanted to woo Clare – and he desperately wanted to woo her – some sor
t of grilled fish and a salad was not the way to go.

  ‘That’s everything – starter, main and dessert. Put the food in the oven to keep it warm and the cake in the fridge. All you need to do is provide the coffee and good conversation.’ Cosmo patted Billy on the arm. ‘Oh well, at least you’ve got the coffee.’

  ‘I’ll have you know Clare thinks my conversational skills are second to none.’ It was a pity she had yet to experience any of his other skills, but he was hoping all that would change tonight. They’d been seeing each other for five weeks and they had yet to do the deed. Why did Billy have to be such a loser with women? Theo only had to glance in a woman’s direction and she dropped her knickers.

  ‘Good luck, mate.’ Cosmo slapped Billy on the back before he ducked back into the kitchen. Billy crept out of the little yard at the back of the restaurant and scurried home, the tubs of food warming his hands. After following Cosmo’s instructions for the food, he galloped up the stairs to shower and change before Clare arrived. He had just enough time to lay the table with a cleanish tablecloth and light the candles before Clare rang the doorbell.

  ‘Wow.’ Clare wore a pleated, burgundy halterneck dress, a gold belt cinching in her waist and nude strappy sandals encrusted with diamantes to match the dress. ‘You look amazing. You know we’re staying in, right?’

  Clare smiled, her already glowing face radiating. ‘There’s no harm in dressing up. It is our five-week anniversary.’

  Billy stepped aside, still gawking at Clare as she made her way into the sitting room. She really was stunning and he had to wonder what she saw in him.

  ‘Can I get you a glass of wine?’ he asked as Clare draped herself on the sofa, somehow making the sagging furniture appear lavish.

  ‘That would be lovely. Thank you.’

  Billy took a moment to compose himself in the kitchen. There was a beautiful woman in his sitting room and she was here to spend the evening with him and not Theo. Several deep breaths later and two glasses of wine in hand, Billy returned to the sitting room, amazed that Clare was in fact in there and not an image he’d conjured to wank over.

  Clare took a sip of wine and nodded towards the kitchen. ‘Something smells delicious.’

  ‘Thank you. It should be ready soon.’ Billy perched awkwardly on the arm of the sofa, his glass of wine untouched in his hands. He didn’t even like wine, but wanted to appear sophisticated for Clare’s benefit.

  ‘What are we having?’

  Billy’s mind went into blind panic as he tried to remember what Cosmo had prepared for them. Was it clams for starters or were they having linguine with clam sauce for their main course? He knew there were clams in there somewhere but he couldn’t be sure where exactly.

  ‘You’ll just have to wait and see, Miss Impatient.’

  ‘Impatient? Me?’ Clare put a hand to her chest. ‘I’ve waited five weeks for tonight. I have lots of patience.’

  Was she referring to the food or something else? Billy crossed his fingers. Please let it be something else.

  It turned out the meal consisted of clams in white wine sauce followed by linguine with roasted peppers, sweet Italian sausage and a spicy tomato sauce.

  ‘And what’s for dessert?’ Clare dropped her gaze to the tablecloth before glancing back up at Billy with flushed cheeks.

  Innuendo, Billy thought. She was definitely hinting at something more than cake. ‘I have a limoncello mascarpone cake in the fridge but if there’s something else you’d rather have, I’d be happy to oblige.’

  Clare’s lips twitched for a few seconds before she spluttered, biting her lip as she giggled. Billy kicked himself for being too cheesy but it wasn’t the ‘happy to oblige’ comment that had tickled Clare.

  ‘I knew you hadn’t cooked all this.’ She swept her hand across the table full of dirty dishes. ‘Pasta, maybe. The clams in white wine sauce was pushing it, but limoncello mascarpone cake? Come off it.’ She placed her arms across her chest and tilted her head to one side. ‘Come on, own up. Who cooked it?’

  Billy scratched his unruly curls. Shit, busted. ‘My mate Cosmo.’

  ‘From the restaurant?’

  Billy nodded and averted his gaze. The fridge magnets were surprisingly interesting at that moment in time. ‘You’re not mad, are you?’

  ‘Mad? Why would I be mad? That meal was divine. Who cares where it came from?’ She rose from her seat and took Billy’s hand, tugging him to his feet. ‘Come on, it’s time for dessert. I’m sure you’ll be happy to oblige.’

  Billy allowed himself to be led upstairs, thankful that he’d remembered to change the bedding earlier. His two-year dry spell was finally shattered and it was possibly one of the most incredible moments of his life so far.

  TWELVE

  Ruth

  My feet were burning. No, that doesn’t quite describe the excruciating pain advancing from the very tips of my toenails, scorching the balls of my feet, slicing along the soles and up my ankles, settling on my calves. Each step produced a whimper from my lips, my face scrunched up and making me look Miss Piggy’s evil twin. Spotting a tree ahead, I was desperate to lean against it for a short reprieve but I knew it would only prolong my agony and so I proceeded towards H. Woods, desperate to reach my desk for the first time ever.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Quinn flew from behind the reception desk as I hobbled into the building, bent at the knees and gasping with each fairy step that brought me towards the relief of sitting down.

  ‘I want to cut off my feet. Can I borrow your scissors?’

  ‘What’s happened to you?’

  I held up the tall, thin plastic bag in my hands, still shuffling towards the stairs. I couldn’t stop. I had to reach my desk. I’d crawl if I had to.

  ‘Subway did this to you?’

  ‘New diet.’ It was the only information I could give at that moment, blinded by the pain and only a step or two from openly weeping. I’d discovered the diet late the previous night. I’d been scouring the internet for almost two hours – though the majority of that time was taken up by Ebay – and I was weary and mole-eyed by the time I stumbled upon it so only skimmed through the details but how hard could it be? The Subway Diet sounded like heaven. I adored Subway and there was a shop a fifteen-minute walk away from work. Unfortunately, it wasn’t on my bus route so I’d walked the whole way there and then onto H. Woods, which wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t sporting five-inch heels.

  Clinging onto the rail, I dragged myself up to the first floor and was barely able to stand when I reached the top, but at least my office, particularly my chair, was in view. With renewed strength, I shuffled to my desk and sank into the fake leather chair. I had never felt such comfort in my entire life as the blood returned to my toes.

  I didn’t have much time to rest as I had to get Kelvin’s office ready for his arrival, but I did slip off my shoes before scurrying through to his office, switching on his computer and opening his blinds, only wincing very slightly with each step. The morning had been such an ordeal but it would be worth it when I lost the weight and arrived at the reunion looking fabulous.

  ‘Why aren’t you wearing shoes?’ Kelvin was filling the doorway when I turned from the window.

  ‘I just took them off for a minute.’

  ‘Get them back on and please remember you’re at a place of business.’ Kelvin strode into his office and plonked himself into his real leather chair. I had never hated the man more as I slipped my bruised feet back into my shoes. The python skin stilettos were no longer a thing of beauty but a thing of torture and forgiving them would take time.

  ‘Did I ask you to get me a coffee?’ Kelvin called through the open door of his office.

  ‘Nope, but I’m on it.’ Taking deep breaths, I lifted myself up from my chair. White light flashed before my eyes and my stomach gave a worrying swirl. I was going to vomit through the pain.

  ‘Are you sure you want a coffee now, Kelvin? It’s a bit early.’

  ‘Then it’ll
wake me up.’

  Shit.

  ‘What was that?’

  ‘Nothing.’ Clutching the desk, I took my first step. The back of my neck prickled and a bead of sweat rolled from my temple. It was going to be a long day.

  It took over half an hour to make the coffee, including a break from my shoes and a weep in the kitchen before I forced my unwilling feet back into the evil footwear and continued with my duties.

  ‘What took you so long? Did you take yourself off to Brazil for the coffee beans?’ Kelvin chortled to himself while I imagined thrusting a sharp object up his fat arse. Didn’t he realise what torment I had gone through for that cup of coffee? How much blood had seeped from my toes?

  ‘You forgot my biscuits.’

  I left his office as quickly as my mangled feet could manage before the sharp object fantasy became reality.

  With Kelvin out of the office for most of the morning, I managed to remain at my desk until lunchtime. I’d have eaten my sandwich at my desk too had Erin not begged – literally begged – me to meet her for lunch.

  ‘I have to get out of Sales and Marketing, even for half an hour. Ginger Pubes is doing my head in. He’s been hovering around my desk all morning and I swear he growled when Stuart from Accounts walked past. He claims he was clearing his throat but I don’t believe him. Please, Ruth. Get me out of here. Please, please, please, please, please, ple -’

  ‘Alright, alright. I’ll meet you at the bench.’

  There was a rusty old bench at the very far corner of H. Woods’ car park where Erin and I would often meet as it was the furthest away you could be from the building without leaving the site. I was sitting on the bench, shoes kicked off, when Erin approached.

  ‘Don’t tell me you’ve given up on the ridiculous notion of losing weight for that moron Zack.’ Erin eyed my foot long sandwich as she dropped onto the bench. ‘I knew you’d come to your senses eventually.’