The Mince Pie Mix-Up Read online

  ‘I’m going to be stuck working while you lot have fun,’ Calvin grumbled. ‘Can you at least bring me a hog roast bap?’

  Dropping Calvin off at The Green Teapot was similar to when Judy had left Scott at nursery for the first time. She was filled with guilt as Calvin eyed her desolately, but at least he didn’t throw himself on the ground and wrap his arms around her ankles while begging her not to leave him.

  ‘Judy,’ Calvin hissed, grabbing her by the sleeve as she made to leave with Charlie and her hot chocolate. ‘Don’t forget the hog roast bap.’

  Judy couldn’t remember the last time she’d been able to enjoy the Christmas lights switch-on with her family. She usually had to make do with hearing about it afterwards from the animated children as they made their way home. Trade at The Green Teapot was brisk during the annual festive event so Enid needed all hands on deck and Judy could never turn down the opportunity to earn some extra cash.

  But this year Judy was Calvin, which meant she got to enjoy the whole evening. She was going to make the most of this precious time.

  ‘What do you want to do first?’ Judy checked her watch. They had just over an hour before the big event.

  ‘We don’t have to spend the evening in the beer tent like last year, do we, Daddy?’ Charlie asked. She’d taken a sip of her hot chocolate and now the tip of her nose was foamy white.

  ‘Absolutely not.’ Judy rummaged around in her pocket for a tissue but, as she was wearing Calvin’s coat, there was nothing but an empty chewing gum wrapper in there. They passed a stall selling festive cupcakes so she asked if she could take a napkin.

  ‘We can do whatever you like, sweetie,’ she told Charlie as she wiped the whipped cream from her nose.

  ‘Can I get my face painted?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘And can I win a prize at the Ebola thing?’

  ‘The tombola? We can certainly give it a go.’

  ‘And can we get some sweeties from the sweetie stall?’

  Judy looked back at The Green Teapot and couldn’t help feeling a slight twinge of guilt. But it passed quickly. ‘We certainly can but let’s go and join the queue for the face painting first, before it gets too long. What design would you like?’

  ‘Judy, thank goodness you’re here.’ A frantic-looking Enid handed Calvin an apron before picking up a tray filled with tea paraphernalia. ‘Kat isn’t feeling well so it’s just going to be the two of us tonight. I’ve already had to knock up another batch of cranberry raisin bars – I had no idea they’d be so popular. There’s already a second batch of mince pies in the oven. I’ll deal with those while you get yourself sorted.’

  Enid placed the tea tray on a table of waiting customers before scuttling through to the kitchen while Calvin hung up his jacket and tied the apron around his waist. The white apron had the body of an elf printed on to it, ending at the elf’s ruffled collar so that Calvin’s – or rather Judy’s – face completed the look. Could Calvin look any more ridiculous?

  Yes, it transpired that he could.

  ‘Don’t forget your hat!’ Enid bustled out of the kitchen, grabbing a green-and-white-striped felt hat, complete with an oversized jingling bell.

  Enid was kidding, right?

  ‘Come on, Judy. Get into the Christmas spirit!’ Enid was wearing a Mrs Claus apron along with a red, fur-lined hat. Calvin thanked his lucky stars that nobody knew it was really him underneath the hat as he shoved it onto his head. At least none of his mates would venture into the Green Teapot that evening. Whether they knew it was him wearing the silly apron and hat or not, he didn’t think he’d be able to face them. If Curtis got even the slightest hint that he’d been decked out like an elf, he’d never hear the end of it. But Calvin’s mates wouldn’t be drinking tea and scoffing Christmassy baked goods. They’d be spending the evening in the beer tent and scoffing hog roast baps.

  Lucky bastards.

  ‘Everything all right out here?’ Enid poked her head out of the kitchen door. ‘Blimey, there’s a bit of a queue forming. Give me two minutes and I’ll give you a hand.’

  Calvin was kept busy as he served customers takeout teas and cakes as well as waiting on the tables for those wishing to eat and drink in the warmth of the tea room. He was rushed off his blistered feet for what seemed like hours but luckily Enid took over the baking duties as Calvin doubted he could rustle up a rice krispie cake without one of Judy’s detailed recipes.

  ‘Phew!’ Enid flopped down in a chair as the last of the customers left the tea room. The Christmas lights were about to be switched on, causing a mass exodus out into the chilly evening. ‘I didn’t think that queue was ever going to die down.’ Enid swiped at her brow with the back of her hand. ‘Why don’t you get off now, love? Go and join your family in time for the lights. I’ll be all right on my own now.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Calvin wanted nothing more than to hang up his apron but the queues of customers had been brutal that evening and Enid Thomas was no spring chicken.

  ‘Positive, love. The rush is over with now. A few more might come in for a cup of tea to warm up after the lights, but most people start to wander home. It’ll be pretty quiet from now on. You go and spend some time with Charlie. Scott’s band will be playing soon, won’t they?’

  ‘Right after the lights are switched on.’

  ‘Well, there you go then.’ Enid rose from her chair and grabbed a damp cloth from behind the counter. ‘You get off and I’ll see you in the morning.’

  ‘Thanks, Enid.’ Calvin untied his apron and tore the hat from his head, hoping to never see the ghastly thing again. It had made his scalp itch as well as making him look like a plonker all evening. ‘Aren’t you going to watch the lights yourself?’

  ‘I’ll watch from the doorway like I usually do.’ Enid started to gather cups and saucers from the tables as she wiped them down. ‘It’s warmer in here.’

  It certainly was warmer inside. Calvin zipped his coat up to his chin and wrapped Judy’s thick woolly scarf around his neck as he stepped outside. He’d never bothered with a scarf before but he was beginning to see their appeal.

  It was fully dark outside now, the village relying on the street lights and the fairy lights draped above the stalls. He caught sight of Charlie immediately, her bright pink hat bobbing up and down as she bounced with excitement.

  ‘Mummy!’ Charlie threw herself into Calvin’s arms as he approached them, almost winding him with the force. ‘I’ve missed you but I’ve had so much fun. Daddy is loads more fun this year. He let me have my face painted. See?’ Charlie stuck her chin in the air so that Calvin could see her face, which was painted brown with a red nose and white spots on her cheeks. ‘I’m Rudolph!’

  ‘So you are.’

  ‘And Daddy let me have a hot chocolate with loads of cream and marshmallows. It was delicious.’ Charlie licked her lips – and part of the brown face paint. ‘And we had a go of the tombola but I didn’t win anything. But it doesn’t matter, does it, Mummy?’

  ‘No, of course it doesn’t.’ Calvin rubbed his hands together and turned to Judy. ‘Did you get me that hog roast bap?’

  Judy clapped a hand over her mouth. ‘I’m so sorry. I completely forgot. We didn’t even have time to come and have a cup of tea with you.’

  Calvin glanced over at the hog roast stall, doubting there would be so much as a pig’s trotter left by now. His stomach growled angrily. The thought of that tasty bap had been the only thing getting him through the tea room rush.

  ‘Mummy! Mummy! There’s Mrs Ephron!’ Charlie bounced up and down, her finger jabbing towards the village’s Christmas tree. On the little wooden stage beside it, the school’s choir finished their rendition of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ and the headmistress stepped forward to give a short speech about the importance of the community at Christmas.

  What about the importance of a good hog roast bap? Calvin thought gloomily. Mrs Ephron failed to mention that in her little speech.

  ‘Are they doin
g the lights now?’ Charlie whispered.

  ‘Any minute now, sweetie.’ Judy wrapped her arms around Charlie to keep her warm. The village began its countdown from ten and then, flicking the switch, Mrs Ephron lit the green up with multicoloured lights. The tree shone and twinkled while festive characters attached to the street lights beamed down at them. It offset the cold of the night, giving the village a cosy glow. The choir broke out into song one final time that evening, belting out ‘O Christmas Tree’ in tribute. Once the song was over, the choir children wandered out into the crowd, handing out candy canes and chocolate coins.

  ‘Isn’t it lovely?’ Judy breathed a sigh of pure contentment. Christmas was well and truly on its way now. All they needed was a flutter of snow and the night would be absolutely perfect.

  ‘Do you think they’ll have anything left at the hog roast stall?’ Calvin asked. Judy chose to ignore him and instead watched the little stage where Scott and his band mates were gearing up for their gig. Judy could see that Scott’s hands were trembling as he adjusted his mic stand and wondered whether it was through nerves or the cold. Probably a combination of the two. Mrs Ephron introduced the band and the familiar sounds of ‘Fairytale of New York’ began to play.

  ‘They’re pretty good, aren’t they?’ Judy was both pleased and relieved. As Scott and the band practised either at school or in the garage of band mate Jack, Judy had never heard them play as a complete unit before.

  ‘I’m starving.’ Rather than watching his son with pride, Calvin’s eyes were on the hog roast stand. It was cruel to make him stand out in the cold without any sort of sustenance.

  ‘They really could be stars, couldn’t they?’ Judy flashed Scott two thumbs-up, but he didn’t see. Or refused to acknowledge the sign of encouragement.

  The band finished the song before going straight into ‘Last Christmas’, leaving their own song until the very end. Which was probably a wise decision. Scott and his friends had penned a song titled ‘Christmas Can Kiss My Arse’, which wasn’t going down too well with the organiser of the village lights switch-on. Who also happened to be the vicar of the local church. Judy suspected they wouldn’t be invited to play again next year.

  Despite the questionable lyrics of their self-penned song, Judy thought the boys had played wonderfully and she was one of the first to storm the stage. Fighting her way through the throng of teenage girls, Judy rushed towards her son and pulled him into a tight hug.

  ‘You were amazing, Scott.’ Judy kissed her son’s face over and over. ‘Absolutely brilliant. I’m so proud of you.’

  ‘Dad! Get off!’ Scott managed to wriggle free of Judy’s grip but suspected his image was already ruined. None of the girls would want to get off with him now.

  ‘Sorry. I got a bit too enthusiastic.’ Judy couldn’t resist giving Scott one last peck on the cheek. ‘I’ll see you at home. Make sure you’re home by nine.’

  ‘Nine?’ Scott’s reputation was going to be crushed beyond repair.

  ‘Yes, nine. You’ve got school in the morning.’ With one last wave, Judy located Calvin and Charlie and they made their way home, stopping off at the hog roast stall on the off-chance that there would a scrap left.

  There wasn’t.

  Not even a trotter.

  Calvin sulked all the way home. All he had to show for the night was a foot full of blisters and a scalp that was red raw from scratching.

  ‘I’m exhausted.’ Kicking off Judy’s flat but still tortuous shoes, Calvin slumped into his armchair. He didn’t want to move until bedtime – if he hadn’t fallen asleep in his chair by then.

  ‘I wouldn’t get too settled,’ Judy said. ‘Charlie needs a bath and a bedtime story.’

  Chapter Ten:

  Monday’s To-Do List: Tattoos, Waxing and Make-up

  It was such a luxury to wake up at the more reasonable hour of seven o’clock on a Monday morning. Judy stretched. And stretched a bit more. It was on her third much-needed stretch that she realised there was some resistance on her right-hand.

  ‘Calvin!’ Judy gave her slumbering husband a good shake – possibly rougher than was strictly necessary – before springing from the bed. Calvin, as Judy, was supposed to have been up at least an hour and a half ago. He should be in the kitchen, elbow-deep in pastry while simultaneously chivvying the children along. Scott should be at least staring groggily at his cereal while Charlie practised her ballet steps between mouthfuls of Coco Pops.

  ‘Calvin! You need to get up! Now!’

  Calvin rubbed at his eyes and gave a languorous yawn before he felt able to speak coherently. ‘It’s still early and I’m knackered because you kept me awake all night snoring.’ He glared at Judy, who didn’t even have the good grace to look ashamed. When she really should. He wouldn’t have believed that the noise that had filled the room could have been produced by a human being and he’d thought a warthog had smuggled itself under the covers at one point.

  ‘Ha!’ Judy said. ‘Now you know how I feel. Not good, is it?’

  Calvin snuggled back down under the covers. ‘I don’t snore. Not like that.’

  Judy attempted to whip off the covers, but Calvin had a tight grip. ‘Calvin, get up now or I will wax every hair on my body and leave you fuzz-free for at least six weeks.’

  Calvin half-opened one eye. ‘You wouldn’t dare.’

  ‘Wouldn’t I?’ Judy folded her arms across her chest. ‘Imagine what Curtis will say when you show up to football with silky smooth legs. And I will turn up in shorts again, even if I know I’ll freeze to death.’

  ‘Then I’ll get a tattoo.’ Calvin was fully awake now and sitting up in bed. ‘A great big one, right across my arse.’

  ‘But that would be permanent.’ Calvin wasn’t playing fair!

  ‘And you think the piss-taking I’d get from Curtis wouldn’t be permanent?’ He’d never let Calvin live it down in a million years. ‘They already think I’m a big, wine-sipping girl.’

  ‘Then let’s not wax or get tattoos. You get out of bed and sort the kids out and I’ll get ready for work.’ Judy was quite looking forward to working in an office. There would be no aching feet and no avoiding Norman Greene’s wandering hands. It was going to be pure bliss.

  ‘About that.’ Calvin climbed out of bed and plonked his feet into Judy’s slippers, which he had to admit were heavenly on his battered feet. ‘I’m worried about how you’ll cope at the office. I’m supposed to give a presentation on Friday and Perry is already in a frenzy about it.’

  Judy eyed her slippers with envy. She missed their soft sheepskin lining. Perhaps she’d nip into town and buy a Calvin-sized pair after work. ‘Will you relax? I do have marketing experience, remember?’

  Judy and Calvin had met while taking the same marketing degree at university. She’d spotted him straightaway with his handsome face, cheeky grin and sporty physique, and while Calvin claimed he had been instantly won over by Judy too, she knew it was a good couple of months before he even became aware of her existence. But become aware of her existence he had and they had both found themselves staring down at two blue lines on a pregnancy test before the course was over. Judy had put her career on hold – before it had even begun – to raise their son.

  ‘You have a degree, Judy,’ Calvin told her now. ‘But that isn’t the same as having experience. You’ve never actually worked in an office before. University and an actual working environment are very different things.’

  ‘Not this again.’ Judy held in a sigh. After all they’d been through, Calvin still didn’t get it. ‘I do work. Just because it isn’t in a fancy office doesn’t make it any less demanding.’

  Calvin strongly disagreed. ‘Do you have a very important deadline looming?’

  ‘Yes. They’re called mince pies and you need to get them in the oven, ASAP. You also need to get the kids ready for school and take Miller out for a walk before he turns the kitchen floor into a giant puddle. After that we need to have a discussion about the state of your face
.’

  ‘My face?’ Calvin patted his cheeks. What was wrong with him? Had he developed a nasty rash overnight?

  ‘What I meant was my face,’ Judy explained. ‘I’ve let you off over the weekend but I really can’t let you go out looking like an extra from The Walking Dead any more.’ Calvin gave her a blank look. ‘Make-up, Calvin. You need to put a bit of slap on so I look vaguely human.’

  ‘You know you always look beautiful,’ Calvin said, but Judy wasn’t buying it. Her husband was probably under the impression that if he skipped parts of her morning routine, he’d earn a few extra minutes between the sheets.

  ‘Nice try. We’ll have a quick lesson in half an hour.’

  Calvin, resigned to the tasks ahead of him, dragged himself out of bed and was on his way to wake Scott and Charlie when he paused at the bedroom door. ‘About Miller. Shouldn’t we be taking turns walking him? Why is it always me that has to do it?’

  Judy smiled sweetly at her husband. ‘Don’t you think I ask myself that very same question when I’m walking the dog every single day?’

  Calvin took Miller for a brief walk to the nearest tree and back before making a start on the mince pies. He didn’t have time to take a tour of the village that morning, not if he wanted to stand a chance of getting at least one batch of mince pies in the oven. Luckily both children were up and eating their breakfast in the kitchen when he returned so he whipped up a quick batch of mince pies, which he could quite confidently do after a weekend’s worth of practice, before dashing upstairs where Judy was tying his favourite grey tie around her neck.

  ‘You found it! Where was it?’

  ‘Under the bed.’ Judy gave him a familiar look. Funnily, it was identical whichever body she was in. ‘Did you get a batch of pies in?’