A Beginner's Guide To Salad Page 3

  ‘Morning!’ The receptionist smiled in greeting but her grin depleted as she took in my down-turned mouth, narrowed eyes and lack of gait to my step. ‘Oh. Is something wrong?’

  I liked Quinn. She’d been the first contact I’d had when I arrived for my interview and had somehow put me at ease and there was nothing better than sneaking downstairs to have a bit of a skive and a gossip with her so I did my best to soften my glare.

  ‘I just got out of bed on the wrong side, I think.’ I leant against the high reception desk, propping one foot against my calf and allowing the blood to return to one set of toes. ‘I’ll be alright once I’ve had a cup of coffee.’

  ‘And how about…’ Quinn rummaged in her drawer and pulled out a bag of Maltesers, selflessly handing them over to me. It was only a fun-size bag but it’s the thought that counts and I managed a smile. ‘I’ve got some magazines I’ve finished with as well if you want them.’

  ‘Is Kelvin in yet?’ Quinn shook her head. ‘Then I’ll take them. Thanks, doll.’

  ‘No problem. Fancy a skive at ten?’

  ‘I’ll bring coffee.’ I grabbed the stack of cellulite-ridden-celebrity type of magazines that Quinn favoured and carried them up to my first floor office. I opened the blinds to reveal the March gloom before unlocking Kelvin’s door and opening his blinds and switching on his computer, lest he break the old digits doing so himself. The magazines were deposited in my desk drawer bar the top one, which sat open on my desk while I munched my way through the tiny bag of Maltesers. I had to have a chuckle at the celebs the magazine had deemed fat. Fat! If having a miniscule pouch while wearing the tiniest bikini known to man was fat, I dread to think what the magazine world thought of me. I was fat. That poor size 10 girl was not.

  I flicked the page. A celebrity was pregnant, which was fab news now and the magazine was piling on the praise. But wait a few months and the same celebrity would be ridiculed for having a single stretchmark and an ounce of fat while she wore her bikini. Alternatively, she would lose the baby weight before the umbilical cord was cut and the magazine would shake its head while it told everybody the new mum was ‘too thin’ and ‘obsessed’ with diet and exercise. She couldn’t win.

  The phone rang as I was reading an article rating women in order of ‘hotness’. I picked it up and answered in my usual, automatic manner while still flicking through the magazine but was on high alert when Quinn informed me Kelvin was on his way up.

  ‘Thanks, doll.’ I dropped the phone in its cradle, shoved the magazine in the drawer and was busy tapping away at my keyboard by the time Kelvin puffed his way into the office. I had yet to switch my computer on but Kelvin wasn’t to know that.

  ‘Good morning, Kelvin.’ I plastered an over-the-top smile on my face as Kelvin passed my desk. It wasn’t returned.

  ‘Coffee. And arrange a meeting with Sally and Hugh for lunchtime. Order food but none of that poncy pasta they brought last time.’

  I saluted behind Kelvin’s back. ‘Yes, sir. Certainly, sir.’ If Kelvin heard my response, he didn’t show it as he strode through to his office and nudged the door shut with his foot. I was about to go off to make the coffee when the phone rang again.

  ‘Good morning, Kelvin -’

  ‘Is he in?’

  ‘Can I ask who’s speaking, please?’ I already knew who was on the other end, rudely interrupting me. Only one person possessed such a shrill voice but I knew it pissed her off when I asked. How dare I make her address herself?

  ‘It’s Susan and I wish to speak to my husband, so stop wasting time and put me through.’

  ‘Of course. You stupid old hag.’ The last bit was obviously said while the phone was on mute as I transferred the call to Kelvin’s office. Annoyed at being disturbed, Kelvin was further irritated when I told him, quite gleefully, who was on the line.

  As soon as I put the phone down it rang again. Couldn’t I get any work done today?

  ‘Quinn says you like look a miserable cow this morning.’ Erin was straight to the point, not wasting her breath on pleasantries.

  ‘Paraphrasing?’

  ‘Maybe.’ I knew Quinn would never be so mean but Erin had no such qualms. ‘So what’s going on?’

  Where did I start? I opted for chronological order, telling her first about the reunion and then Gideon dumping me in Cosmo’s. He’d still wanted to eat but once Cosmo found out what had happened, he’d chucked Gideon out, napkin still tucked into his grimy T-shirt, knife and fork in hand.

  ‘So now I can’t go to the reunion or get my money back for the tickets. I phoned this morning but they said they’re unable to issue refunds.’ I adopted the snooty tone I’d been treated to earlier.

  ‘Why can’t you go to the reunion?’ I couldn’t blame Erin for not understanding. She’d never been fat or unpopular.

  ‘I can’t turn up without a boyfriend. Everyone thought I was a loser at school and they’ll think I’m still a loser if I go alone. I can’t turn up still fat and single.’ Unless… My mind went into overdrive as I imagined gliding into the school hall in a slinky, sexy dress. I’d be thin and stunning, like the ugly duckling returning as a swan, and it wouldn’t matter that I was single. Everyone would ask who I was and their jaws would drop when they realised it was Ruth Lynch, former Mrs Blobby, now gorgeous and radiant. Zack’s jaw would drop most of all and he would rue the day he ruined his chances with me.

  ‘I’ve got it! I’ll lose weight.’ It sounded so simple. Why hadn’t I thought of it before? ‘I’ve got six months to get slim. It’ll be perfect.’

  ‘You know you don’t have to go to the reunion, don’t you?’

  I bloody well did. ‘The tickets cost me a hundred quid. Each.’

  ‘What? Robbing bastards.’

  ‘I know, but apparently there are thousands upon thousands of ex-pupils, so they’re charging an extortionate fee to weed out those who aren’t really into the whole reunion thing.’

  ‘And are you?’

  I wasn’t sure. I’d never really considered the matter, but the thought of shocking everyone with my transformation had fired me up. ‘I suppose I’m a bit curious to find out how everyone turned out.’ Zack, I meant how Zack had turned out and Erin knew it too.

  ‘Can’t you just look him up on Facebook?’

  ‘I tried to this morning. He isn’t on there.’ Which meant he was either hideously fat or disfigured now. I couldn’t wait to gloat!

  ‘Didn’t I ask for coffee?’ Kelvin barked from the doorway. I put up my index finger, indicating that Kelvin should shut his gob while I finished my call.

  ‘That’s great, Sally. Yes, down in Meeting Room One. Fabulous. Bye now.’ I hung up on Erin and turned to Kelvin. ‘You did ask for coffee and I was just about to go and make it. I thought organising the meeting was more important.’

  Kelvin grunted in response. I hoped both Sally and Meeting Room One were available at lunchtime otherwise I’d be busted.

  I used the rest of my morning productively, researching diets on the internet. In the end I chose the Simply Salad Diet as I was a terrible cook and Simply Salad required no real cooking at all. For breakfast, I was permitted one slice of wholemeal toast and then I could eat as much tomato, cucumber, lettuce and red pepper for lunch and dinner as I wanted. Snacks, which I would definitely need to get me through the day, were carrot sticks and apples.

  Slipping out of work dead on five before Kelvin could throw a last-minute task at me, I hopped off the bus early to pop to the supermarket to stock up on my salad components. I felt immense pride as I swerved past the crisps and chocolate aisle, my basket full of nutritious goodness. They called out to me, and pretty loudly too, but I said no. I may have been a duckling now, but I was determined to flourish into a swan.

  ‘What’s that?’ Billy asked when he arrived home from work and found me chopping salad in the kitchen.

  ‘It’s a tomato, you knob.’ I popped a slice into my mouth and while it wasn’t a cheeseburger, it wasn’t bad a
nd I’d had worse things in my mouth. I shuddered as an image of Gideon trespassed into my mind. ‘Theo not with you?’

  ‘Out on the pull, apparently.’

  ‘Mid-week?’

  Billy pulled out a chair and flopped onto it, leaning his elbows on the table. ‘He says he hasn’t had sex since Saturday and his balls are about to explode.’

  The tomato churned in my stomach. ‘That was way too much information.’

  ‘You asked.’ And now I wished I hadn’t. ‘So how are you feeling today? About Gideon? And the reunion?’

  ‘I’m feeling fantastic.’ I pointed at the bowl of half prepared salad. ‘I’m on a diet. I’m going to lose weight and show all those morons how wonderful my life is now.’ I couldn’t wait to show them how happy I was, despite their taunts. I could already feel the pounds slipping off as I resumed chopping the tomatoes.

  FOUR

  Billy

  The Playstation just wasn’t the same without Theo there to bellow swear words and put-downs, so Billy switched it off and dumped the control pad at the side of the TV before trudging up the stairs and switching on his computer instead. Working in IT, Billy spent most of the working day attached to a computer but it didn’t impede his enjoyment of using his home computer. He’d been obsessed with technology since his first Commodore 64, which he and Stephen would play on relentlessly: before school, after school, the entire summer holidays. When it came to choosing a career, there’d been no other option for either of them.

  He was halfway through composing an email to Stephen when he heard a strange sound through the wall. His fingers froze over the keyboard while he strained to hear it again. There it was! A strange, muffled mewling sound coming from Ruth’s bedroom. Billy’s fingers slid away from the keyboard, resting by his side as he listened and it slowly dawned on him what the noise was.

  ‘Ruth, are you ok?’ Billy had knocked gently on the bedroom door and while he’d received no answer, the mewling had ceased. ‘Ruth? It’s Billy.’

  There was another sound now but it was laughter rather than tears. ‘I know it’s you, you daft sod. If it was Theo, he’d be telling me to shut up, not asking if I was ok. Come in. Don’t worry, I’m decent.’

  Billy eased Ruth’s bedroom door open and peered inside. Ruth was curled up on the bed, her normally bright face dulled by red eyes and a grimace. His first instinct was to gather Ruth into his arms, wrapping her up against the hurt. His second instinct was to track Gideon down and thump him in the face, but who was he kidding? Billy was weedy both in frame and nature. He’d never had a fight with anyone other than with Stephen when they were twelve and they’d both ended up wailing like a couple of sissies.

  ‘He’s not worth it, Ruth.’ Billy perched on the edge of her bed but he made no attempt to soothe Ruth physically. Now up close, he wasn’t sure how Ruth would react to his spindly arms trying to reach out to her. ‘He’s an absolute arsehole. I’ve never said anything before because it didn’t seem right, slagging off your boyfriend, but I can’t stand him. He’s lazy and disrespectful, arrogant and rude.’ Gideon constantly farted and scratched himself, even in front of Ruth’s mother, and he was loud and opinionated, even though his views were utter bollocks. ‘Don’t waste your time crying over Gideon.’

  Laughter spluttered from Ruth’s lips as she shook her head. ‘I’m not crying over Gideon. I agree with everything you’ve just said. He is an arsehole. And he’s selfish in bed.’

  All the pent up anger Billy had repressed over the last eight months seeped from his body. He’d despised Gideon, actually hated the man, and now it transpired Ruth didn’t even like him herself. ‘So why were you with him?’

  Ruth reached for a pack of tissues on her bedside table and dried her eyes thoroughly before answering. ‘I guess he was better than nothing. I didn’t want to be on my own.’

  ‘You’re not on your own.’ Billy reached out to pat Ruth on the knee but changed his mind. ‘You’ve got me and Theo.’

  Ruth gave a hoot. ‘And that’s supposed to cheer me up?’

  Well, why not? They weren’t perfect – especially Theo – but they cared about Ruth in their own way. They had their spats over the washing up but they were mates deep down.

  ‘If you aren’t crying about Gideon, what’s the matter?’

  Ruth dabbed at her eyes before they met Billy’s. She leant towards him and took his hands in hers, almost crushing them with her intensity. ‘I’m so fucking hungry, Billy.’ As though on cue, Ruth’s stomach gave a loud growl. ‘It’s this diet. It’s not filled me up at all. And neither has this.’ Her gaze immediately dropped from Billy’s face, even before she turned to reach under her pillow, dragging out the empty wrapper of a family-sized bar of Galaxy Caramel.

  All the sympathy drained from Billy as he took in the wrapper. ‘I bought that for us to share while we watched A Beginner’s Guide tonight. And you’ve eaten it all.’

  ‘You sound like Baby Bear.’ Ruth flashed Billy a grin. He did not return one. ‘I’m sorry, but I was starving. I’ve only had a bit of salad for tea.’ She was dreading the next day where she’d be eating one measly piece of toast and yet more salad. Her stomach groaned in protest.

  ‘You’re hungry because just salad isn’t enough to sustain a person.’

  ‘But I need to lose weight.’

  ‘And you’re going to do that by snaffling my chocolate?’ His eyes dropped to the empty wrapper, which Ruth shoved back under her pillow.

  ‘Fine. I’ll stop the stupid Simply Salad Diet but I need to find another one. A better one.’

  Billy rose to his feet as Ruth grabbed her laptop from under the bed. ‘I’ll leave you to it but don’t take too long. A Beginner’s Guide is on in twenty minutes.’

  Ruth was already up and dressed when Billy emerged from the bathroom, his thick brown curls stacked on top of his head at an odd angle, his body still encased in a tatty dressing gown. It was Sunday so he had enjoyed a lengthy lie in.

  ‘We’ll be off to the pub in a bit if you want to come with us.’

  Ruth paused at the top of the stairs and gave Billy an indulgent smile. ‘You know I love nothing better than watching Theo chat up barmaids, but I have plans. I’m going shopping with Erin.’

  Billy took a step back at the mere mention of Erin’s name. The woman was like a vulture, sensing her prey and homing in with a fierce determination. She had never attempted to seduce Billy but he lived in fear that one day she’d run out of victims and pick on him.

  ‘See you later.’ Ruth blew Billy a kiss before skipping down the stairs, her mood much better now she’d changed her diet.

  Theo emerged from his bedroom a while later, his hangover manifesting itself through heavy, bloodshot eyes, grey skin and a stomach that was ready to empty itself without a moment’s notice. Billy didn’t know what sorcery occurred within the confines of their bathroom, but Theo went in looking like he was about to keel over but came out radiant and ready for action, his hair its usual perfect black gleam, his skin smooth and glowing but not in a girly way, his teeth sparkling. Billy sometimes wished he knew what his housemate’s secret was but then, if he was being completely truthful, he couldn’t be arsed with all that metrosexual grooming crap so the magic would be wasted on him.

  Their local pub was the perfect place to spend their Sunday afternoon. The other patrons were young, the bar staff were hot and the pool table charged a meagre 20p a game. Theo went to the bar for the drinks and to charm his way one inch closer to the inside of the barmaid’s knickers while Billy staked his claim on the pool table and racked up. Theo had been after Caitlin for weeks and while he could move on to a million other girls, he was unwavering in his task of bagging the only one who had turned him down. Billy had set up the pool table, had a brief conversation via text message with Ruth and had a quick go on the fruit machine before Theo arrived with their drinks.

  ‘Any luck?’

  ‘Not yet, mate, but I’m getting there.’

  Billy
didn’t doubt it. ‘Whose break?’

  Billy and Theo won a game each and were in a nail-biting decider, both now on the black. Billy consigned himself to losing as the ball hovered over the bottom right pocket but didn’t quite make the leap to Billy’s victory. Theo patted Billy on the back before lining up the shot, shooting a wink towards the two women who had been spectating since the middle of the first game.

  ‘I’ll give you a chance, mate. I’ll take the shot with my eyes closed.’ Theo grinned at the giggling women, closed his eyes and took his shot. The white ball shot up the table, missing the black by a whisker before rebounding off the cushion. The women gasped. Theo swore. Billy tried not to gloat, even as he potted the black and claimed ultimate victory.

  ‘Bad luck,’ one of the women cooed, placing a hand on Theo’s chest. Her eyes widened as she came into contact with his shirt, feeling the contours of Theo’s sculpted chest beneath. ‘Can I get you a drink as a consolation prize?’

  Caitlin was forgotten for the afternoon as Theo chatted and flirted with Becki, leaving Billy to try to entertain her friend. Clare was much quieter than Becki, though just as pretty with a blonde, fringed bob and fern green eyes. She accepted Billy’s offer of a drink, returning the offer once they’d finished. Billy found Clare to be a sweet girl but with a wicked sense of humour and he was beginning to relax and enjoy himself when Theo pulled on his jacket and leaned in towards Billy.

  ‘We’re getting off. Don’t wait up.’ He winked at Billy as he grasped Becki’s hand and led her towards the pub’s exit, making sure to wave at Caitlin on his way out. Billy looked down at his drink. It was almost empty, as was Clare’s, which meant she would be leaving too. She picked up her drink, drained the last inch and turned to Billy.

  ‘Shall we have another?’

  Billy couldn’t believe there was a beautiful woman sitting with him. Voluntarily. Clare could have gathered her jacket and handbag ages ago, staying for one more drink purely out of politeness, but she hadn’t. Two hours had passed and she was still there, laughing at Billy’s jokes and bolstering his confidence by the millisecond. Women didn’t generally get his jokes – Ruth aside – and they rarely found them remotely amusing.