A Beginner's Guide To Salad Read online

  I kicked a large stone, not caring if I damaged my suede boots, sending it soaring along the pavement before it collided with a fence, pinging off the wood panel before falling to the ground. It wasn’t fair. Why was it so easy for other people? For Billy and Clare and even Erin, who didn’t even want a boyfriend?

  ‘Cut it out you two.’ We’d caught up with Billy and Clare, Theo nudging Billy with his elbow as we passed. Giggling, they broke apart and ambled after us, still hand in hand. We reached the restaurant where Cosmo greeted us with his usual enthusiasm, shaking hands with Theo, patting Billy on the back and pulling Clare and me into warm hugs. I thought back to the time I’d turned up on Stephen’s doorstep, sleeping on the sofa until Cosmo moved out and I could claim his vacated bedroom, and I realised I was no better off now than I was back then. I was still fat and I still had no boyfriend.

  Cosmo led us to our table and pulled out my chair. ‘You look glum, tesorino.’

  ‘Do I?’ I tried to laugh it off but couldn’t pull it off. I looked glum and I felt glum, which wasn’t right. It was supposed to be a birthday celebration and I didn’t want to spoil Billy’s evening.

  ‘Want to chat?’

  I smiled, genuinely this time. ‘Thanks, but I’m fine, really.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Cosmo placed a hand on my shoulder and I had to fight the urge to burst into tears. I’d barely had the chance to get to know Cosmo when we’d lived together briefly, but he was a good friend of Stephen’s and he’d taken on a brotherly role since Stephen decided to stay in New York permanently. Suddenly I wanted my brother to be there, to give me a hug and tell me everything would be ok.

  ‘I’m sure,’ I lied, picking up the menu to distract myself. I didn’t need to see the list of delicious food as there was only one thing I could eat on my diet – the cheese platter. At that thought, my mood lifted and I made a determined effort not to let thoughts of Erin and Jared filter into the evening again.

  I somehow managed to enjoy myself for the remainder of the evening, helped by the selection of delicious cheeses and a sneaky glass of champagne, which wasn’t strictly in my diet plan but that only made it taste even more divine. My good humour, however, was short-lived, ending at the exact moment Erin called me the next morning to fill me in on her date. She skipped the beginning of the evening and, in true Erin style, went straight to the nitty gritty.

  ‘I don’t think I can walk properly after last night and I have a love bite. A love bite! The bastard. Do I look thirteen?’ Erin had giggled while I shrivelled to nothing on the other end of the line. He’d slept with her. Jared had actually had sex with Erin, and while I knew I’d never stood a chance with him myself, the knowledge caused a sharp pain in my gut. I was alone in the house, as Theo was off gallivanting with some woman or other while Billy was visiting his father and wouldn’t be back until late, so I spent the day in my pyjamas, curled up on the sofa watching repeats of A Beginner’s Guide To You. It was while Meg was receiving a makeover from her best friend that I decided to stop moping about my crappy life. Meg was undergoing a makeover (which Tom went nuts for) as were my life and I. Men would look at me differently once I was thin – they’d look at me like they looked at Erin.

  I awoke with renewed energy and determination the next morning, Meg’s fabulous makeover still fresh in my mind. I was going to visit my parents, in the house I’d grown up in and which held the ghosts of my painful childhood, but even that wasn’t enough to dampen my mood. Even still, I was grateful when Billy offered to come with me. I felt more secure travelling back to the town that contained every bad memory I possessed with Billy by my side, chatting to me the whole way to keep my mind off it all. I knew it was difficult for Billy too, with memories of his mum, particularly her death, still raw. I think it had been a relief when his dad had moved to Liverpool to make a fresh start with his new wife as it meant he no longer had to face his haunting memories on a regular basis. I gave Billy’s hand a squeeze as we turned the corner onto Poplar Avenue, the houses familiar but strange with new windows, low brick walls bordering the gardens instead of unruly privets, some gardens now non-existent, as a driveway stood in their place. Billy’s old house had changed most of all with pale grey rendering now covering the orange bricks, shuttered windows in place of the old, peeling frames and an immaculate lawn to the front instead of the overgrown jungle Billy’s father had left behind. Billy looked up at the house, at the new shuttered bedroom window at the front, his mum and dad’s old bedroom and the room in which she had passed away. I gave his hand another squeeze and he dropped his gaze, staring straight ahead as we moved towards Mum and Dad’s.

  From the front, our house hadn’t changed much since I was a kid. The same patch of grass lay at the front, bordered by pansies and the wooden wishing well decoration standing in the middle. The old uneven path had been replaced with a patchwork of various-coloured brick but other than that, it was the same. Even the front door, solid wood with a stained glass window depicting yellow roses, hadn’t changed. I lifted the brass knocker and rapped it three times. Mum answered, dressed in a knee-length black skirt with silver flowers stitched on the hem and a cream top with a pleated neck instead of her usual jeans and a jumper combo. Her hair was sleek and she smelled of expensive perfume as she pulled me into a hug.

  ‘I thought you were bringing someone,’ she hissed into my hair.

  ‘I have.’

  Mum raised her eyebrows at me and pursed her lips before she turned to Billy, beaming smile now in place. ‘Ah, William. How nice to see you. Come in. I’ll put the kettle on.’

  I tried not to giggle as I stepped into the house. Poor Mum. I’d phoned before we left, letting her know there would be two of us for lunch and she’d obviously misunderstood and thought I was bringing a new boyfriend home.

  ‘Alright, son.’ Dad nodded at Billy as we stepped into the blazing hot sitting room, the gas fire on full as well as the central heating. ‘I didn’t know you were coming. Vee, why didn’t you tell me our Billy was coming? I’d have got some beers in.’

  ‘I didn’t know myself.’ Mum glared at me as she passed through to the kitchen.

  ‘How’s Brian?’ Dad asked as Billy and I plonked ourselves on the sofa.

  ‘He’s alright. I went to see him yesterday.’

  ‘That’s good. I haven’t seen your dad since…’ Dad sucked in his breath, trying to recall. ‘Ooh, must be a good eighteen months. Do you want to come out the back and see what I’ve done to the place?’ Dad heaved himself out of his armchair and Billy followed out of politeness. I’d already seen the monstrous back garden, which Dad had transformed into a mini-golf course. Mum hated it, complaining that she nearly broke her ankle tripping over obstacles every time she pegged the washing out.

  ‘And,’ she’d told me tearfully during my last visit. ‘He’s even thinking of inviting the local youths to play. Says it’ll give them something better to do than smash up telephone boxes and hang out on the streets, intimidating folk. So they’re going to intimidate me and smash up my garden instead.’

  Luckily he’d been talked out of inviting the local yobs over, but the mini-golf course remained.

  ‘Have you heard his latest scheme?’ Mum asked later as we sat down to eat. I was up to the chicken part of the Israeli Army Diet so Mum had cooked me a small chicken for lunch. ‘He wants to transform the loft room into a cinema. A bloody cinema! It isn’t enough that he converted it into a fourth bedroom. Now he wants to butcher it all over again. Where will the grandkids sleep when they visit?’

  Dad gave a tut. ‘We’ve already got two spare bedrooms for when they come to stay and the cinema will provide enjoyment all year round.’

  ‘For who? I don’t have time to be sitting down watching films.’ She jabbed a carrot-laden fork in Dad’s direction. ‘And don’t even think of opening it up to the public, Louie.’ Having underlined the point, Mum turned to me, pursing her lips at my plate. ‘Are you sure you won’t have some vegetables? Vegetables
are good for you. Or even a bit of gravy?’

  If only. It had soon become apparent that chicken on its own was in no way appetising. I’d rather have been back on the apples. They didn’t fill me up, but at least they weren’t dry. Still, I thought as I forced a chunk into my mouth and chewed and chewed, I was one step closer to my makeover.

  NINETEEN

  Billy

  It had to be Billy’s best birthday to date. Not only had he been woken by a frisky Clare, she had brought him breakfast in bed: bacon, eggs, beans and a tower of toast, along with a cup of strong coffee. Clare was perfect in every single way and Billy felt like a very lucky boy indeed.

  ‘It’s a good job you gave me my breakfast in bed.’

  ‘Why’s that?’ Clare slipped beneath the covers again, despite being fully dressed, wrapping her arms around Billy’s waist and nestling herself against his body.

  ‘I couldn’t eat this downstairs. It wouldn’t be fair on Ruth.’ Ruth was still on her stupid apples-cheese-chicken diet, so it wouldn’t have been fair to rub her nose in the delicious cooked breakfast.

  ‘No, I suppose not.’ Clare pushed herself back into a sitting position and checked the time. She didn’t have long to celebrate Billy’s birthday as she was going away for a couple of days for a work conference and needed to set off for the station in half an hour.

  ‘Shall we go and have a quick shower together?’

  ‘But you’re already dressed.’

  Clare gave a shrug of her shoulders, already unbuttoning her blouse. ‘So I’ll get undressed again. It’s easy. See?’ She slipped the blouse off her shoulders and let it slide onto the floor. Billy shoved one last corner of toast into his mouth, licked the melting butter from his fingers before taking a swig of coffee and racing into the bathroom. Clare really was the best girlfriend in the world.

  Clare’s hair was damp as she dressed again but she didn’t have time to do anything other than gather it into a ponytail as Billy tore into the wrapping paper of his present. She had to leave for the station in two minutes at a push.

  ‘Oh wow, thanks.’ Billy grinned as he pulled the wii game out of the paper along with a pair of Zelda socks. ‘I’m already dressed so I’ll save these for tomorrow if that’s ok.’

  ‘Of course.’ Clare stooped to kiss Billy before checking her watch. ‘I really have to go. Have a great birthday.’

  ‘Thanks. You’re the best, do you know that?’

  ‘I do try to be.’ Clare kissed Billy one last time before she flew from the bedroom, grabbing her coat and handbag from the bottom of the stairs. She paused only long enough to blow Billy a kiss as he stood at the top of the stairs. He waved as she threw herself out of the door before he wandered down the stairs himself at a more leisurely pace. He found Ruth in the kitchen, chicken leg in hand, and she pulled him into a slightly greasy hug.

  ‘Happy birthday, old man. How does it feel to be a pensioner?’

  He’d had sex twice that morning so pretty good so far. ‘You’re only a couple of years behind me, don’t forget.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah.’ Ruth stuck her tongue out at Billy. ‘Carry on like that and you won’t get your pressie.’ She left the kitchen, chicken leg still in hand, and returned a moment later with a card and gift bag. Inside was a pair of Fozzy Bear boxers.

  ‘I love them. Thanks, Ruth.’ Billy gave her a quick peck on the cheek before rushing upstairs to change into them. When he returned to the kitchen, Ruth put on an act of disappointment at the sight of his trousers.

  ‘I thought you were going to model the boxers for me.’

  ‘It’s my birthday, not yours. I get the treats today.’ Billy winked at Ruth while she pretended to gag.

  Billy had a fantastic birthday, buying a stack of cupcakes on the way to work, which he was sure bumped up his birthday collection by a quid or two. People who he had never even spoken to before stopped by his desk to wish him a happy birthday and grab a cupcake. He went for a quick drink with his team after work and when he returned home he spent the evening in front of the telly with Theo, Ruth, a fridge full of beer and a takeaway. Ruth even relaxed her diet for the occasion and ordered a chicken curry.

  To: billy.worth

  From: s.lynch

  Subject: Happy Birthday!

  Happy Birthday mate! Sorry I’m not there to celebrate with you but have a drink for me! I posted you a card last week – I hope it’s arrived. Riley wrote it out in case you were wondering about the handwriting.

  To: s.lynch

  From: billy.worth

  Subject: Re: Happy Birthday!

  I did get the card – thanks mate. I wondered why the handwriting was much more legible than usual (ha ha).

  To: billy.worth

  From: sunshine_clare

  Subject: Hi

  Hi babe. God, this conference is so boring and I’m stuck sharing a room with Val. I’ve told you about Val, haven’t I? Her heart is in the right place but she does not shut up. I swear she doesn’t even pause for breath! I’m sick of hearing about her nieces and nephews (she has twelve and she’s told me the life story for each) and I could go on Mastermind with the specialist subject of Val’s Husband.

  Anyway, I hope you had a nice birthday. Miss you loads.

  Love, Clare xxx

  To: sunshine_clare

  From: billy.worth

  Subject: Re: Hi

  Birthday was good. Miss you too. Can’t you go to bed early? That way you won’t have to listen to her any more!

  Billy

  To: billy.worth

  From: sunshine_clare

  Subject: Re: Re: Hi

  Morning babe!

  Sleeping was even worse! Val doesn’t talk in her sleep, but she snores like a bear with a blocked nose. I swear she took all the tiles off the roof!

  Oh well, only one more night and then I can come home. Can’t wait to see you!

  Lots of Love, Clare xxx

  TWENTY

  Ruth

  I’d been dieting for two months and had ended up coming full circle, back to eating salad again. Except this time I didn’t have the luxury of snacking on apples and carrot sticks. I was permitted to eat only salad for the next two days, which I somehow endured. Kicking off my slippers, I stepped onto the bathroom scales and watched the display, an eager smile waiting to jump out should the numbers be good.

  They weren’t.

  After eight days on the Israeli Army Diet I’d lost a lousy pound. After eight days of stomach cramps, hysteria-inducing cravings and sheer boredom, I’d lost one sodding pound. Disappointment made my chest tight and, with frustration joining the party, I found it difficult to breathe. The backs of my eyes started to sting, but I blinked away the tears. I would not cry. I would not.

  ‘Hurry up in there. I need a dump.’ Theo’s banging on the door brought me out of my self-pitying slump and I shoved my feet into my slippers.

  ‘Alright, alright. Give me a minute. I just need to wash my face.’

  I emerged from the bathroom feeling much more composed and headed into my bedroom to dress for work. I needed cheering up so I chose my red belted dress with giant white spots that reminded me of ladybirds and summer. It did the trick and I was much lighter on my feet as I left the house. I paused, as I did most days, in front of the boutique on my way to work and was relieved to see it was still there. The Dress beamed at me, encouraging me to keep going. I had lost a grand total of five pounds over the course of two months, which meant I’d only have lost a stone by the reunion if I continued on the same path. Losing a stone would be amazing, but it wasn’t enough to wow my old classmates and it wasn’t enough to fit into The Dress. I needed to up my game and fast. With renewed determination, I picked up my pace and powered my way to work, my hair slicked to the back of my neck with the effort by the time I pushed my way into H. Woods’ reception. I attempted to have a chat with Quinn, but the puffs and wheezes that emerged from my mouth couldn’t be translated and so I gave up and dragged myself up the stairs where
I collapsed at my desk to recover. I was still panting by the time Kelvin thumped his way into the office.

  ‘Coffee. Now.’

  With what was amazing effort, I jumped to my feet and saluted. ‘Yes, sir!’

  ‘I could do without the sarcasm, thank you very much. Just the coffee will do.’ Kelvin strode towards his office and kicked open the door. ‘And if that bitch phones tell her I’m not here.’ Uh-oh. Sounded like a domestic. I rubbed my hands together, planning to pass the gossip on to Erin at the first opportunity.

  The kitchen was occupied when I arrived and I paused in the doorway when I saw that it was Jared inside. I hadn’t spoken to Jared since his date with Erin. He’d been up to the office a few times to see Kelvin but I’d always pretended to be too busy to chat. I knew it wasn’t Jared’s fault that he was gorgeous and I wasn’t but I couldn’t help backing away from him. My crush was ridiculous, I know, but I couldn’t help it and the thought of him with Erin was too much.

  Jared hadn’t noticed me hovering by the door and I considered shooting away until he’d finished but then I remembered his lovely, tight arse and lean body (but particularly the lovely arse) and The Dress came to mind. We could never be friends with my boulder of a crush blocking the way but there was no harm in asking for a bit of advice from a work colleague.

  ‘Hi, Jared. You’re pretty fit, aren’t you?’ I decided to get straight to the point before I chickened out.

  Jared turned to face me, a smile on his face. Oh Lord, why did he have to be so gorgeous? It really wasn’t fair. ‘Are you flirting with me?’

  I laughed as I strode into the kitchen, flicking my hair over my shoulder in a manner that I hoped portrayed confidence. ‘God, no. You should be so lucky!’ I laughed again as I shook my head. ‘No, I’m afraid I don’t like you that way, especially since you’ve already slept with my best friend.’ As though I could afford to be that fussy!