The Mince Pie Mix-Up Read online

  Calvin wheeled around, splattering whisked egg on the floor from his pastry brush. Miller leapt forward to lap it up, which at least saved Calvin the job of clearing it up. ‘How can I forget? You never stop bloody reminding me.’

  Judy opened her mouth to speak but closed it again when she heard footsteps on the stairs. Scott wandered into the kitchen, his hair stuck up in every direction.

  ‘What are you guys fighting about now?’

  Judy plastered a sweet smile on her face. ‘We’re not fighting.’

  ‘Just discussing a few things,’ Calvin added. He finished the egg wash and shoved the tray into the oven before sprinkling the baked mince pies liberally with icing sugar.

  ‘Right. You.’ Calvin pointed at the dog, who cowered away in his basket. ‘Time for walkies.’ Miller’s ears pricked and he started to bounce around the kitchen once more. ‘Can you keep an eye on those mince pies? I won’t be long?’

  ‘Um, Judy?’ Judy watched as her husband clipped the lead onto Miller’s collar. ‘You’re still in your pyjamas.’

  ‘I don’t care.’ Calvin shoved his feet into a pair of Judy’s wellies. ‘I don’t have time to get dressed. I don’t have time for anything!’

  Calvin had calmed down a little by the time he returned to the house. He’d cut the dog walk short, only allowing Miller to lead him to the canal before they turned around and came back, but Calvin still suspected hypothermia was about to set in. Why had he gone out in Judy’s pyjamas and dressing gown?

  Releasing the dog, Calvin peeped into the kitchen and was relieved to see the second batch of mince pies cooling on the side. Dragging his shivering body up the stairs, he woke Charlie and poured her a bowl of cereal before climbing into the shower. The hot water was glorious, warming his body while washing away the stress of the morning so far.

  Taking a shower took so much longer now he was Judy. Before, he could step in and out within five minutes, three if he was in a hurry. Now he had so much more hair to wash and rinse, not to mention the laborious task of shaving his armpits and legs. He’d thought shaving his face was a pain in the arse but that was nothing compared to the sheer volume of skin that had to be covered on Judy’s body. He was tempted to leave the fuzz; it was winter, after all, so with Judy’s body swathed in layers, who would know? But Judy would know. She had a sixth sense about these things, always knowing when he had – or was about to – cut corners.

  Calvin had forgotten to bring a towel into the bathroom with him, but luckily there was one shoved in the corner, which he used to dry himself off with before toeing it back into the corner. Encased in Judy’s dressing gown once again, Calvin made his way into the bedroom where he pulled on a pair of Judy’s ridiculously constricting jeans and a black woolly jumper. He spent the next twenty minutes blow-drying his hair while mentally going through the list of jobs he still had to do that morning. Hopefully both Charlie and Scott would be dressed by now, which meant he only had to squeeze one more batch of mince pies out in between brushing Charlie’s hair and making up the packed lunches.

  He could do this.

  ‘Don’t forget the make-up,’ Judy said as she popped into the bedroom to let him know she was setting off. She kissed Calvin on the top of his head. ‘You’ve got a PTA meeting tonight so I’ll do my best to get home as soon as I can.’

  ‘What?’ Calvin spun around on the dressing table stool. ‘Nobody said anything to me about a PTA meeting.’

  ‘It’s on the calendar,’ Judy told him. ‘You should check it out sometime.’

  The PTA meeting was yet another thing to add to Calvin’s jam-packed to-do list but next up was Judy’s make-up. He applied it as Judy had shown him the day before and, while it wasn’t quite how it usually looked on his wife, Calvin thought he’d done a damn good job. It was certainly a more glamorous look than Judy usually went for, but that wasn’t a bad thing.

  ‘Mu-um!’ Scott yelled from his bedroom as Calvin finished applying a second coat of festive red lipstick. ‘Where’s my PE kit?’

  Calvin squeezed the lipstick into the pocket of his ludicrously tight jeans. He’d found that, while most of the make-up stayed put throughout the day, lipstick wore off quite quickly and he didn’t want to ruin the look he’d worked so hard to achieve.

  ‘What PE kit?’ Calvin joined his son in his bedroom, which was still just as much of a pigsty as it had been last night. It didn’t appear that Scott had moved a single filthy cup.

  Scott sighed dramatically. ‘The one I wear for PE. On Tuesdays.’

  ‘Where is it usually kept?’

  Scott pointed at his chest of drawers. His PE kit usually appeared, clean and dry, in the top drawer but it wasn’t there.

  ‘And it isn’t in there?’

  Scott sighed again. ‘No. I’ve looked in all the drawers. What have you done with it?’

  ‘Nothing.’ Calvin hadn’t touched a PE kit that he was aware of.

  With a third sigh, Scott pushed past Calvin and stomped down the stairs to the kitchen, where he emitted a woeful cry. ‘Mu-um. You haven’t even washed it!’ He held the offending mud-encrusted kit between his fingers, thrusting it at Calvin as he joined him. ‘What am I supposed to do?’

  Calvin checked his watch. He didn’t have nearly enough time to launder the kit. ‘I’ll have to write you a note.’

  Scott’s eyes lit up. ‘To get out of PE? Nice one!’ Scott clenched his fist and brought it in towards his body with a hissed yesss!

  ‘Come on, get the rest of your stuff ready.’ Calvin grabbed the dirty kit and dumped it back in the laundry basket to deal with later.

  The rest of Calvin’s morning routine passed without a hitch. He baked a third batch of mince pies, brushed Charlie’s hair without scalping her and got Scott out of the door on time. It wasn’t until he and Charlie arrived at the school playground that things started to go downhill once again.

  Charlie skipped ahead of Calvin as they made their way through the village to Perrin Street Primary, her backpack bouncing and her book bag swinging with the movement. Her hair was already coming loose from the bobble Calvin had attempted to secure it with, giving her an Orphan Annie look.

  ‘Mummy.’ Charlie stopped suddenly and swung around to face Calvin, her brown eyes wide. ‘I forgot to bring my homework.’

  ‘What homework?’ Calvin had caught up with Charlie and they fell into step together.

  ‘My phonics.’

  ‘Oh, that homework.’ Calvin hadn’t even heard of a phonic until the previous evening when he’d helped Charlie with her homework after tea. It all looked like a load of nonsense to him but Charlie seemed to know what she was doing and Judy had assured him that it did help with her reading. ‘Where is it?’

  ‘On the table.’ Charlie bit her bottom lip. ‘I spilled my Cornflakes on it this morning.’

  ‘Never mind.’ Calvin put his arm on his daughter’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. ‘It’ll dry and I’ll have a word with Miss Daniels about it being late. We could say Miller ate it.’ He grinned down at Charlie, but she gave him a blank look. Tough crowd. ‘No, we won’t do that. It’ll be okay.’

  ‘Thanks, Mummy.’ The school gates came into view so Charlie sped off, rattling her backpack. Calvin followed but was stopped just as he stepped through the gates. Laura had evidently been waiting for him (or rather Judy) and pounced immediately.

  ‘I thought I should warn you.’ Laura grasped hold of Calvin’s arm and pulled him to one side, her eyes darting around the playground. ‘There’s a rumour doing the rounds. About your Calvin.’

  Chapter Fourteen:

  PTA (Pain in the Arse)

  ‘A rumour?’ Calvin asked, though he could take a wild guess at what it was about.

  ‘They’re saying your Calvin …’ Laura paused, giving her hands a thorough wringing. She glanced behind her before lowering her voice. ‘They’re saying your Calvin is a transvestite.’

  Calvin sniggered. He couldn’t help it. If only they knew! Transvestite in
deed. It went far deeper than that: he was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

  The corners of Laura’s lips twitched into a brief smile. She’d been dreading having this conversation with her best friend but she seemed to be taking it far better than anticipated.

  ‘So who’s been spreading these rumours?’ Calvin asked. ‘Let me guess.’ He flicked his head towards Abby Frost, who was holding court in front of the main entrance of the school.

  ‘She’s telling everyone.’ Laura did a bit more hand-wringing. ‘I told her it wasn’t true. It isn’t true, is it?’ Laura had been sure the rumours were unfounded but after Judy’s reaction to the news she wasn’t quite sure.

  ‘It’s bullshit,’ Calvin said, making Laura flinch from the unexpected expletive. Judy wasn’t prone to swearing – not even when she was seriously stressed out – but Laura soon recovered, nodding vigorously.

  ‘That’s what I thought but she wouldn’t listen.’

  ‘She’ll listen to me.’ Calvin marched towards Abby, with Laura scuttling behind him. Abby obviously didn’t see their approach as she galloped on with her gossip.

  ‘I always knew there was something not quite right about Calvin Neil. Do you know he flirted outrageously with me during the last parents’ evening? My hubby was ready for decking him. It’s Judy I feel sorry for.’

  ‘You don’t need to feel sorry for me.’ Calvin stepped into the semicircle of gossip and marched up to Abby. A wall of perfume fumes almost knocked him over but he just about managed to keep upright. ‘You and I both know that your claims are horseshit. Calvin wasn’t even at the last parents’ evening.’

  Calvin had pretended to be working late to swerve the parents’ evening and had instead gone for a pint with the lads. He had better things to do than sit in a sweaty hall pretending to be interested in Charlie’s finger paintings. They all looked the same to him. Besides, he’d done all that with Scott and there really wasn’t any need to repeat the process.

  ‘Maybe it was the parents’ evening before that,’ Abby said with a flick of her black mane.

  Calvin shook his head. ‘He wasn’t at that one either.’ Calvin held up a finger as Abby opened her mouth to speak. ‘Let me save you the bother. Calvin has never, ever been to one of Charlie’s parents’ evenings. He’s never been to any of her school plays or assemblies.’ Calvin pointed at the main entrance. ‘He’s never stepped through those doors since she started here.’

  Wow. That made him sound pretty bad.

  Poor Charlie.

  ‘Maybe I was mistaken about that,’ Abby conceded while somehow giving off the air that she was still in the right. ‘But he does wear women’s clothes. Charlie said so. I heard it with my own ears.’ Abby beamed triumphantly at her audience.

  ‘So your informant is a six-year-old?’ Calvin laughed. ‘Do you believe everything six-year-olds say?’

  ‘Well …’ Abby gave a shrug of her shoulders. ‘I happen to believe her.’

  ‘Charlie also thinks there are fairies at the bottom of our garden who bake pink cupcakes with purple sprinkles. I suppose you believe that as well?’

  Abby narrowed her eyes. ‘No.’

  ‘She also believes in Santa and the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny.’

  Abby’s eyes widened as she looked around to make sure no small ears were listening in. ‘Ssh!’

  ‘But you believe in those too, right?’

  Abby rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t be ridiculous!’

  ‘But Charlie says it’s true.’ Calvin waited for a response but none was forthcoming. ‘Well, that’s my point proven.’ For once, Calvin was grateful for Judy’s mane of hair as he flicked it over his shoulder before striding out of the gossipy semicircle.

  ‘You were great!’ Laura giggled and squeezed Calvin’s arm while doing a little hoppy dance on the spot. ‘It’s about time somebody stood up to her.’

  Calvin performed a bow. ‘It’s all part of the service, ma’am.’

  Laura stopped giggling but the smile remained on her face. ‘There’s something different about you, Judy. In a good way, of course. You seem more … confident.’ And a little bit potty-mouthed, but the new-found confidence far outweighed that. ‘What’s your secret?’

  ‘I don’t have any secrets,’ Calvin said and thankfully the whistle blew and prevented any further interrogation. The children converged in their lines in front of the main doors and, while Laura kissed her son before rushing off to work, Calvin hung back to have a quick word with Miss Daniels about Charlie’s missing homework.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ Miss Daniels said with a wave of her hand. ‘Tomorrow will be fine.’ Calvin was about to head off to work when Miss Daniels called him back. ‘You haven’t forgotten about the PTA meeting tonight, have you?’

  ‘Of course not. It’s on the calendar.’ Apparently.

  Enid was placing a plate of raspberry jam on toast in front of Norman Greene when Calvin stepped into the Green Teapot. Having learned his lesson the day before, he’d already dropped off his mince pies before school that morning.

  ‘Wow, what a tasty sight first thing in the morning.’ Norman winked at Calvin before he picked up a slice of toast and bit into it.

  ‘You’re looking very glam this morning, Judy,’ Mrs Freeman said. ‘If I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought you were off out on a date.’

  ‘I’ll take you out, if you want.’ Norman dropped his toast onto his plate and brushed the crumbs from his fingers. ‘What do you kids do for fun these days? We used to go to the dance at the village hall every Wednesday evening. Shall we have a turn?’ Norman hopped out of his chair, quite sprightly for an eighty-odd-year-old, grabbing Calvin around the waist and twirling him around the tea room. Calvin managed to wriggle free, spurred on by the feel of bony fingers on his bottom.

  ‘That’s enough, Norman. I haven’t even taken my coat off yet.’ Calvin escaped to the kitchen while Norman returned to his jam on toast. Calvin observed himself in the mirror above the sink as he washed his hands. Yes, Judy’s make-up was rather overdone for a weekday morning but there was nothing wrong with injecting a bit of glitz into a cold Tuesday morning, was there?

  Slipping on an apron, Calvin got to work, knocking out yet another batch of mince pies after a particularly hectic mid-morning rush. The local OAPs’ life-painting class and the library’s job club had both decided to take a festive break at the same time, reducing the mince pie supply to meagre levels. Calvin no longer needed the help of Judy’s recipe and figured he could probably bake mince pies in his sleep by now.

  He was exhausted by the time he finished work for the day, but he had no time to rest. Shoving a load of washing on, including Scott’s muddy PE kit, Calvin hooked Miller onto his lead and took him for a quick walk, just in case the dog was contemplating having another dump on the kitchen floor. Then it was time to dash to school to pick Charlie up, shove the washing in the dryer and fit in half an hour of sewing before making a start on tea. The nativity costumes were due to be delivered to Miss Daniels in the morning so the children could have a full dress rehearsal before their performance on Thursday so Calvin had to finish them tonight.

  Calvin had a look at the calendar in the kitchen and groaned. Not only did he have a PTA meeting tonight, Charlie also needed dropping off at the church hall for Rainbows. Why did he have to be such a git and leave everything to Judy? It had well and truly bit him on the arse now.

  Judy still hadn’t arrived home by six, when it was time for Calvin to attend the PTA meeting, and he had to drop Charlie off at Rainbows on the way. He dashed off a quick text to Judy, letting her know that her tea was in the oven. He didn’t think to ask in the text what actually happened at the PTA meetings or what was expected of him. This only occurred to him as he was stepping through the main entrance of the school and realised he didn’t have a clue where he was supposed to go. He had a quick look around the corridor but there were no signs pointing him in the right direction.

  He was go
ing to have to ask.

  ‘Excuse me.’ He leapt at a young teacher as she scuttled along the corridor. ‘I’m looking for the PTA meeting.’

  ‘Didn’t anybody tell you?’ The teacher rolled her eyes. ‘It’s been moved this evening. The heating in the hall’s been a bit temperamental so Mrs Ephron thought it might be a bit cosier in the staff room. Follow me.’

  Calvin followed the teacher into the inner sanctum of Perrin Street Primary. The staff room was small, packed with squishy, square-cushioned chairs, which were occupied by the rest of the PTA committee. Miss Daniels and Mrs Ephron were busy in the tiny kitchen area while the half dozen or so parents sat around a low coffee table.

  ‘She was seen running around the village in her pyjamas this morning,’ Abby Frost was saying when Calvin arrived. She quickly clamped her mouth shut and smiled sweetly at him. ‘Hello, Judy. We didn’t think you were coming.’

  ‘I had to drop Charlie off at Rainbows first.’ Calvin sat down as far away from Abby as he could. Why hadn’t Judy warned him she’d be here?

  ‘Tabitha’s at Rainbows,’ Abby said. ‘And I was here on time.’

  Calvin rifled through Judy’s handbag but shook his head sadly at Abby when he couldn’t locate what he was looking for. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t seem to have a perfect parent badge to give you.’

  There were a couple of stifled sniggers as Mrs Ephron joined them with a tray packed with teas, coffees and a plate heaving with biscuits.

  ‘Good evening, ladies. I hope you don’t mind meeting in here today. It’s a bit small but I’m sure you understand.’ Mrs Ephron sat down with Miss Daniels and the teacher who had acted as Calvin’s guide. She had an open notebook on her lap and a pen poised to jot down notes from the meeting.

  ‘The heating will be fixed in time for the nativity play, won’t it?’ Abby asked. ‘Only my Tabitha is so looking forward to playing Mary and she’d be devastated if it was cancelled.’

  ‘Nothing is being cancelled, Mrs Frost,’ Mrs Ephron assured her. ‘We’ve got maintenance having a look at it right now.’ She picked up a cup of tea and took a sip before addressing the list on her lap. ‘Shall we start? The first item on tonight’s agenda is the nativity play.’ Mrs Ephron looked up to smile at Abby. ‘We need a few volunteers to keep things running smoothly. Judy, I know you’ve been a great help with the costumes but would you mind running the refreshment table?’